Open the door and the wind will blow the leaves inside.

And the leaves are curious.

I just want to relax. NOT AN OPTION!

I got a call today about the apartment I've been fantasizing about for months... I can have it if I want it. Now I don't believe that I want it anymore. It's too small. I just don't know what I'm doing. I feel so clueless, but the choices I make now will greatly effect my future. I hate that. I like choices of no consequence. I am not sure if any such choices actually exist. I am working for my parents the next three days. First I will clean their entire house, then I will be ushering their concert, along with working the door, providing security, taking donations and also snapping some photographs. How will I do? Well. I'm sure. I hope. Wanting to do well is more than half of the challenge.

The last blog I posted was just a quick blood letting. I was thinking about some things that bother me. I tried to convey my frustrations in a way that would be cryptic and direct. I just don't really want anyone to know what it is I'm talking about because I am embarrassed of my emotions. Don't tell me that I should not be. Maybe I shouldn't be embarrassed about most of the things I feel, but there are a couple of things about me that bring me great shame. I have not acted in an inappropriate way outwardly, that is one thing I can take pride in. Inside I am always a mess. I would expect that everyone is, but I hope not.

Yesterday I had a lot of things on my mind that I wanted to get done. I did none of these things. Working for CVS was way easier than this. If I ask for answers, I get questions. It is my life, but what do I know about living it? This is a very honest question. I don't even know that any of the things I am struggling for are things that I want. I feel like I am seventeen. When I was actually seventeen, I was really only fourteen, at best.

I like doing one thing. What that thing is isn't important. I start doing one thing and I find that I like it. That's it! That is the thing I will be doing from now on. The only thing. Nothing else matters. It may be a food I like to eat, like figs. It may be an activity I enjoy, like bicycling. It may be an album I love, like Deerhoof's Apple O'. I find that breaking habits is my whole life. I am easily set into routine because without it I get nothing done. Things I have never done never begin. How would I know how to do it? The second time around I will be a professional... or close to it. I just can't wait for the time when the awkward firsts are over so I can live. My guess is that they won't ever be over.