Oh no! I thought about the past again!

    Here I am, it is 5:22 on a Monday morning. I am sick. Currently chewing a zinc lozenge.
I discovered a website that archives the internet, it's called the wayback machine. I chose to look up the now defunct melodramatic.com, and now I am feeling feelings. I really hate being an adult. growing up was the worst choice I ever made.
      I have not written anything in years, aside from shopping lists or notes to myself about where I parked my car. Now that I am writing this, it's not going too well. I'm dumb.

       Harry, my wonderful German shepherd friend, died on the 16th of this month. He was twelve. Twelve years of my life were spent knowing he loved me and now he is gone. I can't remember the last time I bawled so helplessly. I can feel myself grasping at the last remaining vestiges of my youth to no avail, for time moves but one direction.
         Recently I reached out to an old friend. I sent a message through social media to say, more or less, you will always be my friend and I miss you. I have gotten no response. I'm not surprised. I actually completely understand. I could be that guy, you know, the guy who others need to be free of. Nobody tell my girlfriend how much better life could be, because I'm pretty sure I need her. Co-dependency, right? It's not the only concern, or even the biggest, but it is a concern.
      So, TIME. In the past, before there was rent and bills and jobs, there were long days and longer nights. There were friends. I'm only 29, but I feel so much older, so disconnected from the good time I'm sure you are still having. Please, don't mistake my perception of reality in this moment with my actual reality. I do have some friends and I go out and have some fun sometimes, but I don't connect. I see, I react, I remember, but I don't connect. I don't know how to move forward, and part of it is that I'd rather move back. I find myself longing to be in Orange County, although when I lived there I wanted so much to be here in Los Angeles. The family home is gone, the fucking family dog is gone! The friendships are gone, the carefree life is over. I can't really decide what I miss, or if I miss any of it, truly. Building something new now is always better. Why? Because it is within the confines of reality. I hate reality.
       I never feel truly safe. As I said, I'm sick. Every time I get sick I wonder if I will die. One of these times might be the time. I don't want to die. It scares the shit out of me to think about death. I can't imagine ever making peace with that. Ever. There are a few people who I care very deeply about, and I never want them to die. They are absolutely going to die, and I will too. pity.
        I bought an album last night and I listened to it twice today. It is really great and I am happy about it. Roberto Cacciapaglia "Sei Note in Logica" So there's something.

A better person

Is what you can always be.

Strive for this.

If you are not making things better, what are you doing?

Farts.

Has it really been that long?

Yes, David. Yes it has. Get real.

I now live with Lindsey, we have been courting exclusively now for nearly two years. I have nothing interesting to say about that right now.
    I deliver pizza in sunny Hollywood, California! The glitterati call, and I answer. This job is pretty good for me. I work very little, I get to listen to music all day in my car, good manager, tips blah blah blah. I like to drive. whatever.
    I think I may be a bit spoiled these days, and I am deteriorating as a capable person. I guess that's why I need to have people around to help me. fuck... That's actually true. It's what you would say about a challenged individual, right? I'm not a mental goof-em-up, I'm just a little boy. 13/m/ca

A list of bands I have seen recently

High Castle

Dadfag

Amir Coyle

Halloween Swim Team

Stay Cool Forever

Akron/Family

The Parson Redheads

Stab City

Animal Eye

Traps ps

Rare Grooves

Aaron Roche

Chris Shlarb

Shearing Pinx

No Babies

The Tleilexu Music Machine

Kit

Andrew W.K.

Pink Dollaz

Coup Pigeons

etc...

I love LA

Good / Tired / Love / Work / Money / Driving

Good: Yes. Things are good. I am well. Happy.

Tired: More like groggy at this point, but I will be tired again tomorrow, I'm sure.

Love: I feel it.

Work: I have found a little.

Money: A small amount comes in and a large amount goes out.

Driving: I am in downtown Los Angeles, my girlfriend lives in Anaheim, my parents live in Santa Ana, and my work is 35 miles north in West Hills.

Those are the words that came to mind.

Okay...

Let's GO!

California knows how to party.

This is according to my neighbor's music. There is also a loud ice cream truck. How pleasant.

I am waiting for Lindsey to show up, and to pass the time I am listening not only to all of the sounds of my neighborhood, but also reminiscing through old compact flash cards in my jamman. It's fun to travel back in time sometimes... Although I try to avoid it when I can.

Have you ever experienced this: There is someone who has completely ignored me for the last two years, and now suddenly has broken the silence. What's that about? It was done in such a casual mundane sort of way that I can't even believe it... On Facebook. Of course. I don't live in the real world anymore.

Last day of the month

I find the months move much more quickly when they cost me $750.00.

Be ON.

Do not regress.

Keep moving forward.

All of life is happening now.

Being Happy

Interesting.

So you've chosen to be happy.

Just don't get to comfortable with your newfound joy.

It's good to feel as though people care about you, and by "you" I mean me. I can point to four people who genuinely, at least the way I perceive it, care about me. I love them all. I need them all. There is no life without them. For a long time I thought I had to be alone and I was becoming quite content with it at first, but as the time went on I knew it would never work out. It will get you, it will kill you. I will however admit that who I am today has been greatly shaped by loneliness. It has made me a better person, but also much harder to know. "Ask me a question and I will answer you honestly." It is true, but I wouldn't know how to tell you who I am. I guess that is completely normal... It is for you to decide. You can put the puzzle together for yourself, if you are patient. I will certainly finish the puzzle that is you. I will start with the edge pieces and work my way in to your center.

I happen to be a fan of actual jigsaw puzzles. About a year ago I would do puzzles all the time. As I previously stated... Loneliness. I had a problem though, I would start the puzzle and wouldn't stop until it was completed. The same obsessive behavior crosses over to you. Even if it takes all night, I will finish the puzzle. I will be up until morning, but I will see the full picture. I like to see things through to the end, and if there is no end I am never finished.

I have been musically active again, and the smile on my face is so big it has crossed over my cheeks and is spilling onto the floor. This may be the best my life has ever been. Is that true? That may actually be the truth. I have all of the elements right here, mutual care and appreciation and love, music everywhere, creativity, hope for the future to get even better... I just need a job, or better yet a large sum of money for no particular reason.

Hi Dad. Hi Mom. Hey Jenny.

Bye.

And it continues.

I just got back to my apartment from Origami vinyl where a band called Yuck played a set. They were pretty cool. I also saw the new Akron/Family album, but passed on purchase due to seventeen dollar purchase price. Hm. What else? Uhhh... I don't want to say anything else ever again, just feel and listen and learn and love. Goodbye.

You live and you feel, and you feel terrible.

Because of the trust I have allowed myself to give to you, you are completely forgiven.

Hi, my name is David Estrin and I have spent now two whole days in my bed.

Hi, my name is David Estrin and I have spent many hours dreaming of some person or place or thing I may never see, or never again anyway.

Hey! Good news! You are not alone! You are not ALONE!

I am with you. You are with me. We are becoming who we are, instead of just who we were.

I am your greatest friend and you are my greatest friend and we will be the best of friends.

We will be the greatest team, for a small portion of the time we will both be, independently of one another.

You will help me sleep, you will sneak around my dreams, with a different face, with a new and somewhat more interesting smile. You are the feeling that you give to me. Nothing more.

Whatever I perceive of you is what you then become, for me.

I choose to give you super powers. You now have them. You will come to my rescue.

Your name is not important. I will give you a new name, I will call you "potency" or "desire" or "crutch" or "love" or "me"

You will become whatever I need you to become. You only exist for me, because you only exist within me.

"Message expired or not found" said David's telephone. I did however see a photograph of a cat and a man. I know that cat well, and I know the man too... somewhat less intimately.

I am slowly ruining one life while slowly putting together another one. Both of these lives belong to me, even as I feel incredible distance from them. I may just have something worth living for, in the works. Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe not. No need. No need. No need for such pessimistakes.

Upcoming magic

Tonight 1-29 - Deerhoof

Monday 1-31 - Amazing Pehr show

Tuesday 2-1 - Big date

Saturday 2-5 - Nels Cline Singers

Saturday 3-5 - Michael Showalter

I guess I will continue to stay alive for a bit longer.

My life is flashing before my eyes...

But I'm not dying.

I may be weak, but I'm getting stronger

I may be dumb, but I'm getting smarter

I may be shy, but I'm getting braver

I may be quiet, but I'm getting louder

I may be asleep, but I'm dreaming...

And I will wake up.

What if I never said the words "I" or "Happy" again?

I don't think I will ever let myself be happy.

Seemingly I have a lot to be happy about.

Outwardly I may even seem to be happy.

Do you want love?

Yeah, me too.

Music and Food

Today was a good day. I don't mean that the way Ice Cube says it, but in a whiter sort of fashion. For those who are not aware, I have been taking cold showers since I moved to this apartment. Today, that ended. I now have gas, but I had the guy shut the valve on my stove, because I'm raw like that. After the gas man left I took a walk around my neighborhood. I walked through the park and hit up the $.99 store for mangoes and peppers. After this I just hung around my place until Lindsey, one of my very favorite people, came up to pay me a visit. I first showed her my apartment, then we took off to Amoeba, where we both did quite well in the clearance section. I picked up a Cryptacize album and an album by a band called Butter (I based my decision to buy on the track names, and Yuka Honda) each was only $1.99. I also found Deerhoof's Milk Man. Lindsey got The Bird and The Bee, Bjork, PJ Harvey and a couple of Beth Orton albums, all for about $12.00. I also picked up a gift for a friend... I found a great 7" for $.50 that I already own, so therefore I had to buy it for someone else.... That lucky guy doesn't even know how lucky he is yet.

After Amoeba we were hungry. We figured that eating at my place would make the most sense, and even though I had plenty of food already we went to Whole Foods so we could have too much food. It was great. Raw cake and ice cream and chocolate and kombucha... endless fun. After a while it was late and Lindsey had to make the long journey home, but not before sampling some of the tracks from our newly acquired compact discs.

Now I am eating more food and watching Lucy, Daughter of the Devil. I also played my favorite late night game, "Drive the Car" just a little bit ago. Zip through downtown, gawk at the homeless, pull back into my gated parking lot... all very exciting.

I just kept saying it...

"I am moving to Los Angeles."

For months I told the people who would ask... And it never seemed real. It was always a distant surreality , but now I am living in Los Angeles.

Hm.

Heat

On my stationary bicycle in 88 degree weather is a sweaty reality. Today is moving day. I am still incredibly unprepared.

David Estrin, inelegant.

I took apart my computer/studio last night, actually this morning but I've slept since then, so I will call it last night. This stuff was in my garage, and had accumulated a lot of filth. This is probably the best thing that could have happened for my computer.... not the filth, but getting cleaned up. I opened up the tower and vacuumed all of the dust out. That computer will be breathing like a champion.

I still don't know what to write about, so I write about my computer's dust problem. This is boring and useless. I will end by saying I am excited about my new home.

Almost there.

Wow, this is taking forever.