I'm tired.

I want to sleep at night. Tonight I go into work at midnight. What kind of fucked up life is this? I sent an e-mail in response to a craigslist ad for a job at a gluten-free market in San Clemente. I really hope to hear back about it because the starting pay is $12.00, and the place is not open 24 hours a day every day of the year. I have been searching craigslist for jobs in LA as well... not too much that I feel I could break into there. I feel as though I could be making a big mistake sometimes. Maybe I should move to a place more removed from the life I now live. Life is hard. And easy. And hard. And easy. Life feels hard, but is easy. Life feels easy, but is hard.

Sweat.

It's too darn hot!

I want to quit my job and travel around the world... on someone else's dime. I have been saving money myself, but it is not enough to take any real time off seeing the world, it is my savings. That money is my nest egg, as they say, for moving to Los Angeles. Before I move I need to sell a bunch of stuff, so that will bring in some extra money. I don't know. I don't know. I don't KNOW!

I have no clear vision of my future... not even a fuzzy vision of my near future. I do feel somewhat panicked about the future. I am honestly a little freaked out by my own choices sometimes, and the opposite of my choices also scare me. I am just one of those people who wasn't cut out for life. I think of people I have known and where their strengths are... I wish I could be them just a little bit. Then I could go to Napa Valley or Japan or Alaska or Italy or Hawaii or Manhattan or Chicago... Sadly, my strengths are quite different. I am good at making roots without water. I plant my feet where I don't belong and I get stuck there forever. I do the same things every day because if I don't I fear I won't get those things back again. I don't live my life because I'm afraid someone won't like it... or that I won't like it... or worst of all, I might like living it in a way I am morally opposed to. I also like to think I am good at creating, although I am inefficient at it.

Is it alright for me to say...

I wish I were you?