Open the door and the wind will blow the leaves inside.

And the leaves are curious.

I just want to relax. NOT AN OPTION!

I got a call today about the apartment I've been fantasizing about for months... I can have it if I want it. Now I don't believe that I want it anymore. It's too small. I just don't know what I'm doing. I feel so clueless, but the choices I make now will greatly effect my future. I hate that. I like choices of no consequence. I am not sure if any such choices actually exist. I am working for my parents the next three days. First I will clean their entire house, then I will be ushering their concert, along with working the door, providing security, taking donations and also snapping some photographs. How will I do? Well. I'm sure. I hope. Wanting to do well is more than half of the challenge.

The last blog I posted was just a quick blood letting. I was thinking about some things that bother me. I tried to convey my frustrations in a way that would be cryptic and direct. I just don't really want anyone to know what it is I'm talking about because I am embarrassed of my emotions. Don't tell me that I should not be. Maybe I shouldn't be embarrassed about most of the things I feel, but there are a couple of things about me that bring me great shame. I have not acted in an inappropriate way outwardly, that is one thing I can take pride in. Inside I am always a mess. I would expect that everyone is, but I hope not.

Yesterday I had a lot of things on my mind that I wanted to get done. I did none of these things. Working for CVS was way easier than this. If I ask for answers, I get questions. It is my life, but what do I know about living it? This is a very honest question. I don't even know that any of the things I am struggling for are things that I want. I feel like I am seventeen. When I was actually seventeen, I was really only fourteen, at best.

I like doing one thing. What that thing is isn't important. I start doing one thing and I find that I like it. That's it! That is the thing I will be doing from now on. The only thing. Nothing else matters. It may be a food I like to eat, like figs. It may be an activity I enjoy, like bicycling. It may be an album I love, like Deerhoof's Apple O'. I find that breaking habits is my whole life. I am easily set into routine because without it I get nothing done. Things I have never done never begin. How would I know how to do it? The second time around I will be a professional... or close to it. I just can't wait for the time when the awkward firsts are over so I can live. My guess is that they won't ever be over.

Fuck you, bitch!

I can't fucking stand to look at your face in the photograph.

I can't fucking stand to look in the mirror.

I can't stand it.

One day I will do or create something that will make them all think. They will miss me. Until then, get a job, lose some weight, listen to music, pretend to cry, worry, take a walk, cash a check, grab the phone to warm my pocket, grab the keys, drive, leave it all behind... except for most of it, go all in for a few moments and then change my mind, Prove to myself somehow that I do exist in the same world that you do, make sure that world is not Facebook, remember I am going to die, die.

David: Just remember that your slander is only your sad lazy attempt to deal with hurt. Accept your fate and move on, then it might get better. You are projecting the struggles you have with being who you want to be onto an imaginary woman, only this imaginary woman happens to be fleshy and warm and can be seen by everyone she passes. She will be there whether you conjure her or not. She is only what you make her, but only because she passed you a long time ago. Not worth two minutes. Your friends do not care about you the way real friends should. You can leave them all. Do not worry. GO! Do what feels right to YOU! Just don't kill anyone.

Cyclist

In the last three days I have biked about 120 miles, give or take. My dad got a nice road bike, along with a new home in downtown Santa Ana, so I've been going up there to borrow the bike. There is a very long paved trail that runs along the Santa Ana river from the Huntington Beach coast to Yorba Linda. The first ride I took ran from Santa Ana to Anaheim to Huntington then back to Santa Ana. The next day I took the trail the opposite direction and hit Yorba Linda, then came back. Each ride was just shy of forty miles. Then yesterday I set out for the trail, which is about four miles from my starting point, but I took a different route and never found the trail. I made it to the coast on streets and ended up in Newport. I headed north to Huntington and caught the trail back. After getting off of the trail I got lost. I biked all over Santa Ana until I found some trails. I biked through parks and under railroad tracks and by an archery range. I exited the trail and using my best judgment figured out which direction to go to get back to my parent's house. I ended up in Orange, so I called my dad to find out what the hell I had done. As it turned out, I had been heading the exact opposite direction of where I wanted to go, and at a great speed. The good news was that I was only three or four miles away. I turned around and made it back moments later. I imagine my ride was fifty miles, or more, considering all of the ground I covered. I was out for nearly three hours and had consumed very little water, so when I was done I was drinking a lot of water. But this did not make up for the lack of fluids during the ride, apparently, because for the rest of the night I had a terrible headache and felt weak. I only remember one other time I felt this way, and that was years ago when I experienced my first, and last hangover. After a lot of sleep I feel much better... still not perfect, but I am well enough to be on a stationary bike right now while looking into the bright computer screen.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see an apartment in Los Angeles. It is an artists community with several open units for $750. I would like for it to work out. I will also look around the area for work. I want to find a Trader Joe's or something, they seem to treat their workers with much more respect than I am used to.

I guess that is all. Goodbye.

One more night of work

I go in for my last night at CVS tonight. These last eight months have been interesting. I am glad to be leaving this job, but I also find myself wanting to see things through. We have been embarking on a big task that I will not be a part of beyond tonight, and I know I would be promoted in a heartbeat if I were to stay. I have gained the respect of my manager and many other people at this store, I have also made a bond with one person there that I will be incredibly sad to lose. I have been very fortunate to have been given this job, and even more fortunate to have been treated so well by some of these people, even though the work atmosphere is harsh, to put it lightly, and kindness is infrequent. I have been acknowledged. How swell. There are now a few people who understand the hard work and intelligence I can bring to a retail operation... I never would have guessed that I would take to this so well. I am here, tooting my own horn, because I am confidant in my abilities. What a feeling. Now the hard part, life. I need to find a new job, and an apartment in Los Angeles. No matter how well I did at CVS, there is little this will get me outside of that store.
It will certainly be nice to be awake for the sunny afternoons, I have missed these dearly. I am very tired as I write this, which may account for the sentimental feeling I have, but I would not like to be well rested without that feeling. I think I am in love with everyone... not really... but a little bit. I would like to tell a short story. There is a lady who works in the beauty department at my store. She gets very little work done, and it is constantly a problem. Her products pile up with no place to go and our whole back room is cluttered with merchandise. Myself and my supervisor cleaned up a large section of the back room, including the area where her overstock is kept. After she saw the results of our work she was elated. This was two nights ago. This morning when she came in to work we were there and she was all smiles, wishing us a happy Thanksgiving, and simply appreciating what we had done. We have both said terrible things about this woman because of her work, or lack thereof.
Another story: There is an evening supervisor who is not a bad worker, but he does not supervise as well as he should. He makes our work harder by letting his crew run around like monkeys. Last night when I went in to work I spoke to him harshly because it was irritating to have him upset about a coke delivery I accepted, so I explained to him that he should get his workers to do the things that need to be done, and not just get upset when they are not done... I am failing to explain this properly, but the point is that I yelled a little at him. This guy is notorious for talking way too long, so the supervisor I work with basically ended the conversation having us both walk away. As we were walking out we said we were going to go get to work and he responded with a heartfelt goodbye. He is a nice guy, and I wish him well, but it is not that great to work with him... or to work after him, really. This guy is hilarious though... mostly in a completely unintentional way. I've had many conversations about him, and how he needs some cameras pointed at him around the clock for a reality show. You'd watch, trust me.
I have learned a lot about dealing with people, working with people, that I never could have learned without this experience. Life is sometimes slightly interesting.

Float Away

There have been two instances tonight where I wanted to float effortlessly. I woke up and was standing in my room knowing I needed to get to the kitchen. I had this feeling as though I wanted my feet to lift a few inches from the floor and have my body drift to the kitchen. Then just a few moments ago I was attempting to look into a cabinet above my closet but could not see from the floor, again I imagined floating up to the proper height to do so. The strange thing about these feelings, the reason I felt it important enough to turn on a computer for and not just pass it off as a very human wish to fly, is that in those moments it did not seem at all illogical. I didn't just want to lift from the ground, I couldn't see why I shouldn't just lift off at the thought of it.
I saw my parents tonight. I am not working tonight, and only have another six nights of work at that old store. It's always nice to see my folks, I also spoke to my good friend Trevor. Interaction with non mental defectives. It had been two days since that had happened. My parents read this blog, they may be the only ones, I am not sure. My last entry mentioned suicide, and they were a little bothered by this. I will now clarify that I have no intentions currently of ending my life. Not now, things are just starting to get somewhat interesting. I think it is important that I live through the move.
I am listening to a lot of Joanna Newsom lately. I have been bringing a small, round speaker to work along with my small, rectangular music player. It makes a world of difference. I only wish I'd thought of this months ago. My last week of work I have assigned myself to clean up our disastrous overstock room. This is a huge job, and one I will likely not complete in a week, but it will be a lot better. This will be my final gift to this store. I also cut in extra facings of certain cigarettes and fixed the shelving... I am just leaving my mark. The mark of intelligence and sanity. There is next to none of this going on there. I may go visit this place after I leave to see how different it is without me. Probably not. This feels boring... I am sure I have now bored my readers, sorry dad. Goodbye.

Two weeks away from a better life... I hope.

I gave my two weeks notice at work. This is part of a larger plan to move to Los Angeles. I do not have a good plan, and have been told so. I will have to work hard to have a life even as dumb as the one I live now. It will take some very hard work to have something better, or maybe I will be the lucky one, I'm counting on it.
I have a supervisor at work who is doing a lot to help me, what a nice guy. He is making calls on my behalf because he gives a shit. That is different. As I write this I look around this room I've so long occupied and it seems impossible to uproot myself, but necessity will be taking the wheel on this one.
Being alive is silly. I find myself listening to Phish again. Now is not the time for me to be nostalgic and sentimental, but of course it's all I can be. I get these feelings as though I want to cry, but I have no idea what over... I look at photographs of my past and I get the feeling, or when a movie ends... Wasted life, the only thing I could point at is my wasted life. I can hear in my own head right now, "You're young." but I disagree. I used to be younger, and that is all that matters.
So tell me, what is my next move? School? Career? Suicide? Homelessness?
Perhaps all of these, in no particular order.
I am confused, which is a very familiar feeling, I could almost call it comforting. I will not call it comforting. I think confusion is a sign that I am headed in the right direction, or at least moving through life. For the last eight months I have stood still. This existence has been demystified, it's time to move on. I just need to hold on to some things from my past to keep myself somewhat sane, I guess that explains all the Phish.
It's going to be tough for about a month and a half now. I need to build a new life almost from scratch, although I have the human parts already, and no assembly required. Dr. Frankenstein can go now, his work here is done. Everything else will require assembly, and the tools are not included in the box.
Metaphoric and cryptic, I guess some things won't change.

Bizee

werkin overtyme evry dey.

Drunk and Emotional

I meant to write about this sooner, I wish I had, because the feeling was stronger. Here I am now getting the memory committed to type, only a week or so late. I was behind the register at my place of work, where I find myself from time to time, and a young man walked into the store, stumbled in really, and announced to me that he was incredibly intoxicated, not in so many words. Without his announcement it would have been plain to see he had been drinking. By the look of his eyes it seemed as though he may have been drunk for the last few weeks, but that had a different explanation, which I will get into shortly. I was immediately a little bit nervous, because humans under the influence of very large amounts of alcohol are unpredictable. He stood in front of the counter trying to figure out what he wanted to say or do or think or purchase. He spoke to me a bit again about how drunk he was, but this time he added, "It's been a bad day." to which I replied, "hopefully it's about to get a lot better." he liked that, but then explained the burden that was on him that night by saying, "We buried my homie today." which, for a moment led my mind in the wrong direction, with the image of this guy and a few of his friends burying their other friend in the woods. Of course that image soon went away when he explained that his friend had overdosed on heroin earlier in the week and his funeral had been that day. He picked out some candy and bought Marlboro reds, not because he liked them but because they were the cigarettes his late friend smoked. I rang him up, he paid, I went to give him his change and noticed something falling onto the counter... They were large teardrops rolling down his face and plunging toward the ground. He was a wreck. On his way out a friend of his walked in and they hugged in the doorway while sobbing uncontrollably. This was not the last I would see of this guy. He came back a few moments later to buy a single swisher, to roll a blunt with. I tried to be very comforting to him the whole time, and he seemed to really appreciate that. I felt very emotional for a while after he left. I suppose this is evidence of some kind of connection I have with other humans.
On a lighter note, last night, with only two people working the overnight on the eve of Halloween, I had a guy come in dressed as Tony the Tiger. He came up to me and asked if I knew what he was supposed to be, I said, "Tony the Tiger?" which made him very happy. His friend popped in for a moment and then proceeded back outside. Tony went about the store for a couple of minutes then materialized in front of me again asking where his friend was. I told him his friend had gone back outside and he went to leave, as he did so he was walking a little funny and I could hear bottles clanging about in his pants. I looked in his direction and said, "Smooth." he looked back, smiled and ran. The audacity will never cease to amaze me. I wish him well.

I wrote this in January of this year.

.I.am.a.man...I.am.a.monster.

What is honesty?
I can't seem to find myself.
What do I tell them?
Sometimes I feel they want to know me, and I have nothing to say.
Being alone will turn you inside out, and outside in... and inside in.
I just contradicted myself entirely, but such is life and I did so to prove a point. Although I want out, I am stuck in here without a wire to the world. My secrets hang loose, but they are still secret. My personality is gone, from what I can tell.
I like to hear stories, from books and films, I don't have to think of what to do next. Just turn the page, just focus on the screen, just forget who I am and fall into something more interesting. In the words of Stanley Kubric, "Real is good, interesting is better." When he said this he referred to the stories he would tell, and how to tell them... When I say it, I refer to the life I live, and the ways I escape, somehow they are both the same to me.
I think about suicide sometimes, mostly to pass the time. I will read about it, and fantasize about what it would be like, but I never get as far as to plan it. There have been times where I thought, I will just pick a method so if the time ever comes etc... but I have not yet done so. I get so sick of life. In those moments I don't want it to turn around, I don't want to be happy, because that would mean that I had forgotten how serious it all is, how terrible it all is. My life is not hell. My life is quite blessed, as they say. How can I feel important when importance just happened upon me? Would it be easier for an African slave to understand that they were not blessed, and that they should be where they are, than for me to understand why I am here in the United states? I don't suppose a lot of the lucky ones have tried to come to terms with their fortune. There are many folks who like to single out heirs and millionaires as being the lucky ones... How lucky do we need to be? Look at me, rambling, I am confused and I don't know how to feel. Guilt plagues me like an infestation in my brain. I should feel sad because I'm not in love? There are better things to cry about... or worse, depending how you look at it. Is it fair that my focus drifts to my struggles with my weight or trying not to smoke cigarettes? I am only a man, but I feel like a monster.

Thunder and dreams

Last night southern California experienced what is a rare occurrence around these parts: a Thunderstorm. It is very healthy for a system to have some heavy rain to replenish with. After I sweat for months, I know I can always go for a drink. I experienced most of the shower from within my large, well-lit cell. I could hear rain beating down the metal roof of the overstock room, and thunder would crack so hard it seemed to shake the earth. The lights would flicker and for a moment hope would enter the mind, "maybe the power will fail." of course it did not.

Sometimes I will have a dream about someone I do not know very well, and it will give me a false sense of closeness to that person. Last night I had a dream about a co-worker of mine who does not exist. We were intimately close with one another, and now I have a strange sense of closeness, but nobody to focus it toward. I guess the dream could be a perfect representation of the feeling I got from the dream itself. What I mean is this: I want to love, I want to be close with others, but when it comes to specific people or situations it is all completely different. In short, I don't like them enough to share intimate moments with them. So I am left with the feeling of having something to give with no one to give it to. This is not entirely true, and a big part of the problem I have created for myself, but I feel this way nonetheless. In my dream I simply created someone to accept me, and someone I would accept. It was pleasant while it lasted, but meaningless once it was over. That is a dream, you have to wake up. Sometimes it is relieving to get out of a dream, but every now and then, I wish I could just keep sleeping and let that be my new life.

"bet no one ever hurt this bad"

I learned the Randy Newman song by that title and have been enjoying trying to sing it the way he does. Every time I pick up a guitar I struggle to play it because my fingernails are too long. I have trouble with that kind of upkeep... the constant upkeep that is not done daily. I always need a haircut, my work clothes are always dirty, my floor always needs a vacuuming and I never make the time. I usually end up clipping my nails at work.
Today I feel like a creep. I am a bit dissatisfied with my last blog post, and I have no confidence whatsoever. All the good feelings have been sunken by thoughts of shame. Shame is life, life is shame. I am outwardly consistent, but inwardly unstable. It seems strange to me that just last night I was telling people I had just met about my crying over the state of my life, and it seemed like I was speaking of the distant past. Now, today I completely understand that feeling and where it came from. I could easily let it control me again, the big difference is that I will stay in control. I will go to work and forget all about this. I suppose I have taken a big step forward.
The best way for me to get along with others is to see them infrequently. I long for companionship so much that I will love anyone who provides it, providing we are even remotely compatible beings. That is why my parents and I have such a good relationship now, because we are extremely compatible in a lot of ways, and due to circumstance, we hardly see one another. That is also why I can bring a friendship into being so easily now, but that is about as far as I understand to go with it. Beginnings are easy for me, I have no follow through. This is true in my work, my relationships, my plans... I can start, but I don't know how to see things through to the end... or to the plateau, if I could be so fortunate, or possibly unfortunate, depending on weather things level off in a good place or a horrible one. Some people I've met have no trouble diving right into their decisions, be them good or bad decisions, and I must admit that I am jealous. I will weigh my options until I have no options left, then I will undoubtedly be stuck with the least romantic option left for me... to change nothing. The good news is, I do not presently have that option available to myself. You don't have to ask me if I am scared, I will volunteer the answer to that question. Terrified. Terrified, but hopeful.

I saw Kit and Traps, ps tonight.

I drove up to Pehrspace listening to Sleater-Kinney and Wes Montgomery and Elf Power and some other stuff I put onto a disc. I have been crazy about music lately, I can't get enough. Right now there is no music playing and it feels like a waste of my ears.
The truth is, I have been thinking all night about writing a blog about the show I went to, because the last time I reviewed a show on here it was so well received, but now that it's all said and done, I am thinking much more about what a good time I had outside of the venue in the drizzle, reminiscent of Niagara Falls from what I'm told. I ended up only seeing the full sets of two out of five bands. The first band to play was a reconfigured Traps, ps. I was a bit skeptical seeing that there was only one member of the band I had seen, and enjoyed, in the past. But I was eager to hear Miles Winter (lead guitarist of Moses Campbell) play the drums and my good friend Danny Miller (guitarist for Rare Grooves) play the bass. I was not aware until moments before the set that Andrew MacKelvie (Moses Campbell drummer) was playing percussion with them. It was amazing. Frenetic guitar and vocals lead the way over a fast paced rhythmic groove set by the drums and bass, in an almost funky sort of feel, while maintaining the same spastic energy. A real treat, unless you are the guy I overheard outside on the phone saying they sucked.
After their set I had the pleasure of conversation with a lot of nice folks. I don't get much conversation, and even less good conversation, so this was a welcome treat.
I feel a little bit silly giving the names of people I do not personally know on my blog, but I am doing so out of admiration, and I hope everyone will understand that, if they read this blog and see their name. I am a fan.
Soon I heard the news I had been awaiting, Kit was about to play. I shuffled inside to see one of my favorite live bands of the moment. Their sets are always a lot of fun, and this one was no exception. They had the crowd jumping around and shouting, just having fun. Kit always seems to have the best crowds, I've never been hurt during one of their sets but I've always been shoved from here to there. I always enjoy the connection made with all of the other people around me, the unspoken joy we are all sharing... at least most of us. Toward the end of their set I felt something under my foot so I reached down and grabbed it, discovering that it was a set of keys. After the set I shouted to the crowd about my finding and the owner of the keys retrieved them from me. The keys belonged to Charlyne Yi. I was a little star struck, to be perfectly honest. She's in the movies! To be even more candid, I get the same feeling when I see Vice Cooler or Steve Touchstone. When I first heard XBXRX, I didn't have any idea I would ever be able to see these guys live. Amazon.com recommended Sixth in Sixes to me after I bought a Weasel Walter album, so I purchased.
I have a very high regard for the music scene in Los Angeles, and people like Jim Smith and Sean Carnage who make it possible. I am growing more and more excited about my move to the city, and I hope to be a bigger part of this community once I am local. Thanks to Michael Fierstein for putting this show together!

Walking the dog

Last night I decided that my dog, Harry has been giving me that longing look for long enough, so I took him out for a couple of hours. I am not sure who enjoyed it more, him or me. At first he was being a little difficult, but after exhausting him with a tennis ball in a soccer field, he was quite well behaved. At one point we stopped for a rest, it was about two in the morning by that point and we were out of the neighborhood in front of a liquor store that was long closed. I was laying down on the sidewalk and Harry was getting in my face breathing heavy, both of us smiling, then he laid down next to me... I can't explain exactly the reason why, but this was a perfect moment. Until last night I didn't really realize how much I am going to miss him. Today my mother was at the house, when I woke up, with realtors looking at the place. One of these realtors apparently wants to take Harry once I move. When my mom told me this I felt upset and gave some quick response to the tune of, "This lady you've just met?" as though trying to say, "Fuck her, he's my dog!"
Tonight I am off of work again, unless I get a call to come in, in which case I will work, because it would all be time and a half. Otherwise I think I will take Harry out again and work on music. Already today I was listening to old recordings and put together some acoustic guitar and drones which were recorded about a year ago separately with no intention of ever being mixed together, or mixed at all. It feels good to DO. And to do things I enjoy, instead of just working and sleeping all the time away.

Working hard.

I am the best employee CVS could ever have gotten... What a waste of me, but a blessing for that store. Why do I work so hard? I do not care about the company, the store, my manager is mean and I am shown little to no respect most of the time. I work hard for myself, not for CVS. It feels good to be good at something, even something meaningless.

Nocturnal life coming to an end?

In answer to my own question, it looks like it. As long as nothing goes wrong I will be taken off of the graveyard shift and given daytime hours. This will help exponentially my moving to Los Angeles, however, it will also be more stressful to be at work. I will be working with my manager much more frequently, which can be very demoralizing. I like to look ahead a little bit to a day when I no longer work at that place, a day that is approaching rapidly, thankfully.
I also wish to mention that this blog got some much appreciated attention today from some great people. I was excited to see that musicians I liked enough to go see live several times, and write about, had taken an interest in what I had written. Thanks to anyone who reads anything I've written, it is encouraging.

David Estrin, the writer. David Estrin, the painter.

I can open and close doors inside myself as much as I like. David Estrin, the insecure artist.
I just finished re-reading Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions. I re-read this novel for the same two reasons that I re-read Slaughterhouse-five and Bluebeard: First, because picking up a book from my shelf is 100% more cost effective than buying a new book, and second, because books, unlike a tissue or a bag of chips, are not over when you are simply done reading them. The intimate experience you can share with a book will still be safely stored within the words and spaces and punctuation marks on the pages.
David Estrin, the sentimental slug.
I think I need to curb my fig habit. It has become a disgusting monster in me. There were a few days a couple of weeks ago where I ate nothing but fruits and salads... perhaps those foods, supplemented by a small amount of seeds, would do me well. I am not sure. I am a sucker for food. I would like to shed some pounds, I know I would feel better... A weight would be lifted from me.
David Estrin, the future perfection.
David Estrin, the present disaster.
I am getting a lot of hours at work again, good news/bad news, I suppose. 40 hours a week, and the worst hours... Midnight to eight-thirty in the morning, five days a week. It dawned on me this morning that I have been nocturnal for over six months now working this incredibly unimportant job. Wow.
David Estrin, the worthless man.
I was on my lunch break in the very early morning taking a walk, as I always do, and thinking about the exact amount of money I am actually earning after taxes, and then I realized that that is my current worth to the world... my current worth is seven dollars and fifty cents for every working hour I contribute to this store, this company, this planet. I must be worth more than that to someone.

And I couldn't be more unhappy about it.

Tonight I go back into work, after two good nights off.


Other meaningless news: When I see John C. Reilly in movies, I often think about Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Why? I can often imagine Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing the character John C. Reilly is portraying (e.g. the movie Criminal). This morning I was watching the movie Hard Eight, starring none other than John C. Reilly, and I again had Hoffman on the brain. I was wondering if they had been in a movie together, and wishing I could cross reference names on imdb.com... but not too much later, there was Hoffman throwing dice at a craps table. That was interesting. After that movie I began watching a documentary called Helvetica, which, incidentally, is the typeface I am currently using. About halfway through that movie I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. I had spent two nights as tired as can be, and by eight in the morning I was ready to crash. I slept for less than three hours before waking up, I was then up for over three hours. I only slept again after taking melatonin, So again I slept less than was desired. I was really hoping to sleep ten to twelve hours to make up for the lost sleep, but it is what it is. I go into work at midnight and will be there until eight in the morning. Such a shift is not for me... but it is mine nonetheless. Tonight everything is difficult.

Thanks to Sean Carnage

I could not resist going back to Los Angeles to see the bands listed in chalk above. Toe Jam was a "Free Grunge" band that Kyle Mabson and Peter Moran and Sean Carnage played in, along with other fun folks. It was very funny. Free improv with grunge lyrics on top. After that High Castle played, they were my favorite band of the night. Good solid beefy punk rock, from Oakland. After that set was a delay heavy Brooklyn band called Zulus. I enjoyed their set, and got a free button. The final band to play was the great NASA Space Universe. They got everyone wild, and gave out surgical masks. Mid-set the bass amp stopped working and it seemed as though their set might be over, but their bassist just grabbed a mic and raged into the crowd, where he proceeded to chip his tooth. The bass was then restored so they played more, but after realizing he had chipped his tooth the bass player was not so happy, as he told everyone. Basically the whole set was madness on a very high level... no further explanation.

I am home now, on my stationary bicycle.

The show was swell. I always love going to The Smell, even after a hot day when the place acts much like a greenhouse would act. I paid my five dollars to allow my entrance and to get a kitty stamped on my wrist to allow my entrance several more times throughout the night. My first order of business was to purchase a copy of the new AIDS Wolf album, March To The Sea from their singer, Chloe. We spoke for a couple of minutes, she has a very firm handshake. After walking the CD to my car, and eating an apple, I went back inside to see an all female band named L.A. Dies (so incredibly clever) I recognized their guitar player as the singer from Kit, and their drummer as a member of Foot Village. Their set was a debut, a little shaky but very fun. I really hope they continue to play, because something is there.
Up next was Captain Ahab. I had heard the name a lot, but never actually seen these guys before tonight. I always imagined they would be a loud, fast band, but what they do is beyond description. I will attempt: Captain Ahab is two guys, one who does a sort of DJ/Live electronics thing with ironic club music, while the other guy dances like he is at the club. He jumped around on stage a bit, then he came into the crowd and danced with people, touched them, wrapped himself nearly around a few of us, all with a very sexual, grinding kind of feel. By the third song he was wearing nothing but his underwear. There was also video to go along with the music... the video was nothing short of amazing, that's all I can really say about it.

XBXRX played next. Short, fast and loud, as always. I went all the way to the front and as soon as the music began the crowd went completely batshit crazy, as is to be expected. I felt it was a little excessive, but the real trouble was to come during the next set. About one minute into the XBXRX set I had to shuffle to the side to avoid being battered by a bunch of rowdy hooligans. The big trouble was that I was constantly being hit in the face and head by other heads of other humans... Heads are one of the harder parts of a human. The set was great, as is to be expected.
AIDS Wolf. What can anybody really say about this band that would give anyone a clue as to what is going on at their shows? Just go see them, as soon as you are graced with the opportunity. This band, now a three piece, consists of a drummer, a guitarist, a singer, drums, guitar, microphone and a stage full of amps and other noisy gear. AIDS Wolf is great. AIDS Wolf is brutal. Let's talk about the crowd though... this is where all hell broke loose. At first things seemed fine. Everyone was kind of rushing the stage and smashing themselves together into a sort of human goo. Fine. Then, as things got more rowdy, less people were in the pit area and more room was established to run amok in. People all seemed to be swinging their fists and elbows around, and inevitably a fight was trying to break out between two tiny men, in a galaxy of one hundred-billion stars. There were enough people to diffuse the situation, which took a few tries before finally one of the men just walked off. Then things were more spread out and people took to running as fast as they could into other humans and forming allies with whom they would clasp together and plow into people. When decency really degraded piles of humans would form on the cement floor until one brave soul would pry each one off and sort of throw him in some direction. A lot of people, including members of the band, seemed rather perplexed by such behavior. My thought, "Relax, it's just music." Earlier when I had purchased the new AIDS Wolf album, in my chat with Chloe she mentioned that the new album seemed to divide the listeners, meaning not everyone likes it. I then said I would let her know what I thought of it, "on facebook or something" and she suggested I tell her after the show, so I waited until the merch booth that she was running cleared and told her how much I enjoyed the set. We also talked about the absurdity of the crowd, she was pretty confused by it, as was I.
I drove home listening to Inara George and Van Dyke Parks' album titled, An Invitation, for a change of mood. I then came home and talked to my pets a little bit, and amped myself up for a ride to nowhere on my stationary bicycle, which I have now been on for seventy-seven minutes... Got to go, NOW!

AIDS Wolf

I need this. I will see the band and buy the new album, with my endless resources.

If you are curious.

I love the Smell, and am so glad they are playing there.

If you are smart.

Toilet farts have nice reverb.

And losing and losing and losing my mind. Looseing my mind. Loooseing my mind. Looseeing my mind.

I need a haircut. I need a shave. Other than my work uniform, I look very unemployed.

The Switch

I worked a 10:00pm - 6:00am shift, and tonight it's a 12:00am - 8:00am shift. Those two extra hours of free time really make a huge difference. I slept for ten hours. I was dreaming of all sorts of peculiar things, but one reoccurring theme was taking a pee that would not end and not feeling satisfied, I finally got up and went to the bathroom. It's a little after nine now, and I have much to do. I already went to Trader Joe's to get dog food, for if I had not, my dog would not have been able to eat. While I was out I took a quick trip to the ranch market to get mangoes. In other good news, Trader Joe's has delicious figs again, I learned that early this morning as I was forgetting to buy dog food as a direct result of forgetting to bring my list. Fennesz is playing tomorrow night in Eagle Rock and I had planned to go, requested the night off from work, fixed the fuck-up when they scheduled me anyway, but now I noticed I am again scheduled to work. I have made up my mind that I will work for two reasons: One, I would be so damned tired if I went to the show, and I am going to have to pull that shit on Friday to see AIDS Wolf anyway, Two, I would rather get the hours this week because without working that night I would only have 22.5 hours. So instead of spending $15 on a ticket and paying for gas, I will make some money. I still get AIDS Wolf, XbXrX, and two other bands I've never seen, but should be good. Over AND out.

Posted from work.

It's a grateful dead party at cvs right now.

Edit: So the music was playing but it was cutting in and out, then Truckin' played for the first time ever. It was alright. Do you know the way to San Jose played as well, I had only heard that once before.

Moving to Indiana for a short time...

and then moving to Los Angeles.
This is what I might have to do... because I can, and I think it would be interesting. The only problem is that I need to get a job for a short period of time in Bloomington, IN, where there are tens of thousands of college students. Possible? Maybe. Probable? No. You only live once, right? ...Right? I have not even lived that many times. I need to wake up in about seven hours so I can exercise and then work all night long. I woke up today at 1:30 AM... whoopsie. I had a message from one of my co-workers telling me that my manager asked if I would come in to work to beef up my hours... I just slept right on through that opportunity. I wish they would just schedule me for more hours instead of trying to give me hours at the last minute.

Blah blah blah. My manager seems to like me now... which is abnormal. He generally seems to dislike everyone who works for him. Now that I have gained a tiny shred of respect, I will be leaving. Funny.

This blog lacks video.

There we go.

The good news is the bad news...

I have no peers.

I just wrote that in my notebook less than twenty minutes ago, and already I feel the need to quote it for the world wide web. Often I wish I could be categorized so I could feel the support of an artificial extended family. Perhaps I am just glamorizing my loneliness by giving myself a good reason why it persists. Perpetuating self pity for pity's sake! Have I just now outgrown something?

I have another question, what makes someone a friend? Are you my friend if I say, "This is my friend."? Is reciprocation necessary? <---- Not a sentence, nor is this.

I would like to tear down the wall, even if it is just to rebuild it again. I will let you in now, because I need you in here. You are welcome to step where you like, do not tread lightly if that is not your way of treading. Why should I be so afraid when I have learned that you will soon be gone? At least let me love the person I have made you... and then ruin it... and then let me love, or hate, or feel nothing toward, the person you really are. I am speaking of friends. I am speaking of strangers I will meet.

"Just the comfort of strangers

Always the comfort of strangers

Why, some of those are like best friends

Ones that keep you coming 'round again" -Orton

Q: Do I really mean what I say?

A: I think I do, this time, although I am on an exercise bike and may just be killing time.

Q: Am I afraid?

A: Only of everything.

Q: Why am I writing in question and answer form?

A: A dash of comedy, a dash of tragedy... Plus, I never am interviewed, and wish to be.

Q: Have I taken any photographs lately?

A: Nothing good, but I took a bad photograph of Lindsey talking to my mother tonight. I like to take photographs of people I know interacting with other people I know. This is especially true with my mother. I did charge the battery to a nice camera, so maybe I will do some real shooting, probably not.

Q: Have I ever loved?

A: No. I love my family and friends, but that doesn't count the way you mean it, does it?

A: I don't think so, but I thought you did love some people along the way, you know, romantically... didn't you?

A: No. It was a child named lust... A dirty ugly child. Like me.

Q: Could you describe your life with a punctuation mark?

A: Yes I can, it would be ? I could also describe all life with two punctuation marks, that would look like this ?!

Q: I have clearly become someone other than the person whom I am interviewing, who is actually myself, seeing how I started by asking questions in the first person to myself and am now addressing the answering me as "You", Why do you think that is?

A: I don't know, perhaps you are the inconsistent type. I however shun inconsistency, and strive solely for perfection.

Q: Do you have anything to add? any questions for me?

A: Life is the worst system, except for all the others.

What is to become of us?

A: ?

It may be time to turn the computer off and read more of Bluebeard. I have read this book before, but now I am re-reading it to get all I can from the books I have. I am too cheap to buy more books! I could tell you the exact date when I first started reading this book, and also the exact date that I finished it, because I wrote down these seemingly meaningless numbers in my special pad of paper.

In twelve minutes I will have been on this stationary bicycle for one hour. Imagine doing that every day! Such is the life I lead. More seemingly meaningless numbers for you: 10 minutes at level nine, then I move to level ten, after twenty minutes of level ten (thirty total minutes) I push the little button with the seemingly meaningless symbol on it which looks a lot like this "11" I then spend the remaining thirty minutes on level eleven.

In closing, goodbye.

I'm going to need to live a very long life.

I feel like I epitomize the phrase late bloomer.

I wish I had more time every step of the way.

Feeling a little rushed is good, and bad, but good.

Killing time and killing myself and killing my dreams.

Moving on.

Freaking out.

Staying calm, or just pretending.

Freedom/Depression

On my nights free from work, I always get depressed. I think it has to do with multiple factors. The first factor would be that I do not have anything to distract me... no deadline for getting out of my bed/house/funk. As a result of having no deadline for my daily routine, I do not exercise as early as I normally do, which is the second factor that I can pinpoint. I will feel so incredibly depressed, and then I will do my exercise and find myself feeling much less of that feeling. Things become funny again after I exercise.

I am incredibly lonely. Today I woke up and noticed my parents, whom I have not seen in over a week now, were at the house. I was happy, because I wanted to see them, but before I could even get out of bed, they were gone. Tonight is my one night off this week, but I have to clean up the garage a bit so that my folks can take some filing cabinets out of it. I have been so fucking busy lately, it is intense. I will run down a usual work day now: I wake up, I am tired... Do not want to get out of bed. I drag myself up, my stomach is full from the food I ate before I slept. I try to give myself a bit of time to relax first thing, but it usually now consists of feeding my dog and two cats, of whom I am the sole caregiver now. If I do not feed them, and even sometimes after they have eaten, they meow and whine at me and will be right next to me everywhere I go looking at me, talking to me. I give them a little attention, but not what they really want, I feed them too. I then start putting all of the fruit I need for work into a bag after washing it. I fill up a water bottle, and when I get myself just motivated enough, I get onto my stationary bicycle. I proceed to ride the bike for an hour. After my ride I get into the shower and wash my teeth and body and face, all with Dr. Bronner's magic soap. While still in my towel I go to the kitchen and put the parts of my juicer together. I then grab vegetables from the fridge, wash them very thoroughly and then I proceed to juice them. I drink the juice and wash all of the juicer parts immediately after use. After juicing I take my vitamins, and I then go get my clothes on. After all of that, on a good day, I will have about five minutes to play the piano. I then work all night at CVS... which is not as easy as it looks. Mostly people assume that the night shift is "Mellow" or "Chill"... but they are dumb. Yes, most people are dumb, I will say that. After work I drive home and get out of those work clothes and into pajamas. I make a big salad and that takes me over an hour to make and eat. I then generally watch a movie, eat more food... eat too much food. I eat Figs, Dates, Mangoes, Nuts, Raisins etc....

There it is.

I'm tired.

I want to sleep at night. Tonight I go into work at midnight. What kind of fucked up life is this? I sent an e-mail in response to a craigslist ad for a job at a gluten-free market in San Clemente. I really hope to hear back about it because the starting pay is $12.00, and the place is not open 24 hours a day every day of the year. I have been searching craigslist for jobs in LA as well... not too much that I feel I could break into there. I feel as though I could be making a big mistake sometimes. Maybe I should move to a place more removed from the life I now live. Life is hard. And easy. And hard. And easy. Life feels hard, but is easy. Life feels easy, but is hard.

Sweat.

It's too darn hot!

I want to quit my job and travel around the world... on someone else's dime. I have been saving money myself, but it is not enough to take any real time off seeing the world, it is my savings. That money is my nest egg, as they say, for moving to Los Angeles. Before I move I need to sell a bunch of stuff, so that will bring in some extra money. I don't know. I don't know. I don't KNOW!

I have no clear vision of my future... not even a fuzzy vision of my near future. I do feel somewhat panicked about the future. I am honestly a little freaked out by my own choices sometimes, and the opposite of my choices also scare me. I am just one of those people who wasn't cut out for life. I think of people I have known and where their strengths are... I wish I could be them just a little bit. Then I could go to Napa Valley or Japan or Alaska or Italy or Hawaii or Manhattan or Chicago... Sadly, my strengths are quite different. I am good at making roots without water. I plant my feet where I don't belong and I get stuck there forever. I do the same things every day because if I don't I fear I won't get those things back again. I don't live my life because I'm afraid someone won't like it... or that I won't like it... or worst of all, I might like living it in a way I am morally opposed to. I also like to think I am good at creating, although I am inefficient at it.

Is it alright for me to say...

I wish I were you?

A great day

memories of a great performance by Joanna Newsom fresh in my mind as I biked for over 2.5 hours. I went from my home in Mission Viejo, through the aliso wilderness park, up to the top of a mountain in Laguna Beach. From there I rode home on streets.

Here is a shot of myself from the ride:

I came home and my dad had a really good idea, to go to 118 degrees. Now I still have the lovely taste in my mouth of gourmet raw vegan food. Yum.

Tomorrow is my last of four nights off of work, and I will be seeing Joanna Newsom again! Peace.

I am completely happy waking up in the daytime and am not happy that I have to go back to work overnights on Sunday. The week of August 8 to August 14 I will be free from work and traveling to Cleveland, Ohio for a family reunion. I will be seeing my cousins and grandfather, whom I have not seen in many years. Peace.

Today I feel as though I am a lovely person. The sun has shone upon me today. I think I will request four nights off more often... I work so much that the feelings I have now are drowned most of the time. I'd really like to have more time away from work. I feel as though I am rediscovering myself.

Inactive

Things I want to get done tonight:
Clip Fingernails
Clip toenails
Bike at least 1 hour
Watch Dr. Katz
Juice
Work on music, even if it's dumb

Things I hope to do within the next few months:
Find a place in Los Angeles
Sell a lot of stuff
Set up a way to sell my photography
Find a better job in Los Angeles

Completely bored with myself

I need the shock of the new.

I had forgotten about this.

It is however possible that I have nothing at all to say.
I do not want to talk about CVS, and what else do I do?
Tonight I am off, I just saw Greenberg. It was pretty good.
I will now look up music from the movie.
Goodnight. I will stay up to make sure it all happens right.

Sick and tired

I am a little under the weather, for the first time in many, many months. I blame it on the poor treatment my co-workers give to themselves... but I guess that isn't exactly right. I am on the third night of my three nights off, I work again in less than 21 hours. I have been having some trouble with sleep, so it will be interesting to see how this plays out this morning when I try to sleep. What a waste of my three nights. I have not showered. I didn't do much of anything really. I did sleep for about 30 hours so far. I've blown my nose more than a few times, and I have eaten way too many nuts. Pecans and macadamia and walnuts and almonds... Too many shitty mangoes as well. I have become rather addicted to mangoes, and I challenge anyone to find a few good ones around here right now. My mind has adopted an "I don't care" attitude. I have not been exercising, because I am sick, but I think I am on my way downhill. I have momentum now, and that is hard to lose. I have a great example of how I feel: I am somewhat upset that I have to shave for one day of work. I am thinking about leaving my five day growth on my stupid face for that day. I can't imagine anyone giving me shit for it, but I know that I shouldn't. I hate shaving, and I am in a bitter frame of mind. I don't even feel like finishing this post, so I am not going to


UPDATE: I showered and shaved. I suppose this is a good sign. My biggest problem now is that my head hurts when I blow my nose.
I pick up my first paycheck tomorrow.
Goodbye.

The most fun I've had at work yet!

A woman came to the checkout with two items, I rung her up. I asked her, "Would you like a bag", because with only two items many people would rather not have one. She did not respond because she was distracted, so I said, "Well I could put these two boys in a bag for you"... it was fantastic. I had a huge grin on my face that I could not wipe away. Also, there was an insane security guard who was trying to scare me about the dangers of Ladera Ranch; including, but not limited to, wild animals and high school students who commit burglaries and suicides in the CVS parking lot. He also told me that some guy's body was found at the top of a hill, "He'd been sitting there a week!" This was a paranoid man. My favorite part of his amazing lecture was how he referred to the secretive ways of the people holding powerful positions in Ladera, he kept saying, "They don't tell us anything!" over and over, but the very best is when he said, "Everything's a secret in Ladera." with wide eyes full of fear.

Change of plans.

So I thought I'd have tonight free from work, but instead I will be working eight hour shifts the next three nights, then I will have three consecutive nights free. On the first of my three free nights I will be going to Echo Curio in Echo Park to see Chris Corsano play a solo gig on the drums. I then will have two nights to do whatever I want, then I work for a night. With all of the modifications on the schedule it turns out I have two more nights off after that. On the 5th of April I will be going to Pehrspace, also in Echo Park, to see Rare Grooves and The Real Noriega presented by Sean Carnage, the Monday night hero. I am very excited for these two shows, and am exceptionally happy that I get to see them. Music is the only good reason to stay alive, as far as my current life is concerned... That, and possibly the look of the moon on special nights.

Short Shift

Tonight I only work six hours, I usually work 7.5, so this will certainly fly by. After this I have over 24 hours before I work again, though on the schedule the work days are consecutive. I work midnight on Monday (tonight's shift) and 10:00PM Tuesday. The last couple of nights have been exhausting, so it will be nice to have it easy for a couple of nights. Last night on my lunch break the moon was spectacular as I took my walk listening to Jim O'Rourke's "Bad Timing", It was just about perfect.

Ready for work

I have work the next five nights. It was nice to have a night off. I went to Mother's market, I got to relax and take my time with my home exercise, I took a long walk and listened to a lot of good music. If you happen to have a copy of Daniel Johnston and Jad Fair's album "It's Spooky" you should put on the track Summer Time... Trevor, I'm looking at you. I love that song.
I got the first two discs of the State complete series in the mail yesterday and watched a bunch of it. Funny stuff. Netflix is great.
So California is going to vote for legalized marijuana. I hope it passes, even though I have not touched the stuff in six months, nor do I care to, but it would be a real money maker and could really help our state. Not to mention, all of the money it would save us from jailing offenders of the current law, and who wants to have non violent people suffer at the hands of violent offenders and guards? Well, cross your fingers, hell, the health care bill passed!

A night off

Interesting.

" People say God looks out for the working man. Sure hope he's looking out for me"

Work. What can I say. I am sore from squatting and facing. I have touched more bottles of booze and packs of cigarettes in the last two days than I have in the last two years. I have very little free time, and the time I do have is spent getting ready for or winding down from work. I'm very bad with names, but in two days I have learned to match faces with a lot of them, Joey and John and Charlie and Reagan and Amy and Hiedi and Dave and Magdy... I have been checking out customers and I can use the computers. I have stocked shelves. I have faced shelves. Eight hours a night you can find me doing these random tasks. It is alright, aside from taking up all of my time. I wish I could exercise more and record more music.
Sleeping has been a little tough too, but not just because I am sleeping all day. I am almost embarassed of the reason. I have trouble falling asleep because I cannot stop thinking about trivial details of my job, for instance, there are a few items in the dental care section that have are supposed to hang on a hook, but the things they hang by are broken and I just want to fix it. Another random thing that kept me up last night, there are promotional cigarette deals displayed on a certain cigarette shelf and I unloaded so much of one, that I could not fit another... How will I fix this? It is annoying to me, because I am investing more of myself into the job than anyone else seems to and there is never a manager thaere with me, at work, or in my head as I try to sleep.

Staying awake was too hard, so I passed out too early, as a result, I had to sleep too long. I am now getting ready for my first night of work. I'm going to finish my exercise, juice, shower, shave, get a bunch of food together and get to work by midnight. Seems easy enough. I have an extra hour, because I planned to sleep until 8:00PM, so I will have some extra time. If I'm quick enough I can watch King of the Hill at ten.
I have very little to write about. I had some strange dreams. In one of them I was racing around with cars on my hands and knees... I can't really explain that. The only other thing I can think of to say that might be remotely entertaining is that my work shirt says "WOMEN" on the tag.

I am in the system.

I met the assistant manager and got a temporary employee ID number... I even got a shirt. I will be making $9.20 an hour, after taxes I will take home at least A couple dollars. Everyone was very relaxed there, and I felt very calm about everything. My biggest worry is that I will hurt my arms stocking the shelves. I will work it out. So I will go back to sleep soon and wake up as late as I can, then hopefully stay up until about noon, and sleep until 8:00PM. Then I will do all of my home exercise and get to work by midnight. I will get off at 8:00AM and come home. Then it all happens again and again. It will get easier.

Things I must find time for:
Recording
Exercise
Keeping with the raw vegan food (shopping a lot)
Reading
Being me

I have infiltrated the job market.

The training class only took 3 1/2 hours. Tomorrow I drop off a lot of signed papers to the manager of the store I have been hired to work at. I am supposed to start at midnight on Monday... or you might call it Sunday. I have no idea how I will pull this one off. I will either get an extra day, or do some sort of miracle schedule shift. Either way, my first day or so will be tough. The class was easier than I even imagined it would be. I will be tested, later from what I am told, but have complete confidence in myself to pass all the tests. At first I was taking notes on the answers, but I stopped because it was too simple to get wrong.
My store manager is on his first day of a two week vacation, so I will be starting with the assistant manager. I believe that I will do well. I want to do well. I am going to make money so I can buy goji berries and mangoes and apples and all sorts of other raw foods. I wonder if anyone else working at any CVS location is working to support a raw food diet. They have over 7,000 locations nationwide, but I still would bet my bollocks to a barn dance that the answer is no.
More updates to come soon. I will be sure to write about how well my new schedule suits me and, more interestingly, how my new job suits me.

Everything is about to change.

Tomorrow I have another shot at that class. This time I will be equipped with a birth certificate. So from 9:00 - 2:00 I will be learning how to be the best employee I can be, and also will be getting paid for it. Then I will take as long a nap as I can. I will need to immediately be on a completely different schedule. I'm shooting for waking up at 8:00 PM and going to sleep at noon. I really wish that I didn't have to go back to being nocturnal. I have been enjoying the sun lately. I feel more alive when I wake up during the day, but I suppose working will give me some validation of life. Making money will be nice.
So yesterday I walked to the place I will be working and noticed there is a vegan restaurant across the street. My first thoughts were temptation... I figured that I would be tempted to eat cooked food because I would be so close to good tasty vegan food. I quickly realized that the place would never be open when I am around. That certainly makes it easier to stay raw.
I am really hoping this works out well. I must say that I am a bit nervous about a few things. I am mostly concerned with what I will do, and what there will be time for. I have been getting a lot of exercise and eating very well, juicing and recording a good amount of music. What will I keep doing once 40 hours each week are reserved for work?

Walking to work

Today I am going to try walking to my future workplace to get a feel for how long it would take. A bicycle seems more realistic I guess, but I figure I'll try walking. I have a feeling an automobile will be my most used form of transportation to work. It will probably take too long to walk, but there is a bus that can cut the trip about in half. Considering I am going in to work at midnight, I will not have any bus options to get to work, only home. I think it would be fun to walk to work late at night. I used to take late night walks all the time.

Here is a link: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/60072add5a/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis-ben-stiller


I went to the pool yesterday to swim some laps, but bees were constantly landing in my lane and swimming around for their lives. I have a bad history with bees... well, one terrible incident with bees that occurred when I was very young has left a permanent mark on me. That mark is fear. Needless to say, I didn't get as much swimming done as I would have liked. To make up for it, I just went back to the pool last night. Bee free and at ease I swam for a good long time. It was quite pleasant.
Now I make vegetable juice, goodbye.


UPDATE: It takes an hour and ten minutes on both of the routes I took. After walking two hours and twenty minutes in that heat it is nice to gobble down some water. Gulp gulp, baby.

Yesterday was fun aside from all the little bugs on me.

When I finally left the house yesterday it was to get myself and my bicycle to the beginning of Aliso Creek Bikeway. I rode about 26 miles in a little over 2 hours. It is a nice ride on a paved trail that stays mostly away from the road, though there are a couple sections that follow the road. It was quite a bit warmer, so there were plenty of tiny flying insects hitting me in the face, getting stuck on my arms, and occasionally smacking right into my eyes. That was a bit of a drag, but overall it was a nice ride.
Forty minutes after I finished my ride, I found myself in a pool swimming laps. I found a fun new thing to do at the pool, which is to swim underwater facing up looking at the surface. It is just amazing, especially at night. Sometimes I would just let out my air in the deep end so I would sink to the bottom and I would just sit there looking up for a little bit, until I needed more oxygen. It reminds me a little of being much younger and sitting upside down on the couch to hang my head over the edge and look at the house as though it were flipped over. I used to think so much about what we would have to do to get from room to room and all the obstacles we would have to avoid, and how different our house would really be turned on it's head. A life never realized I suppose... but it is not the life for me anyway.
Last night I spent a little more time with that song, and had to extract myself from in front of the computer to stop myself from what I was doing. It isn't that I didn't like what I was coming up with exactly, I just wasn't sure if I should be taking such an approach. I have now let some time pass, so I can listen to the changes made with fresh ears today.

November

Or possibly April.


Today is much warmer than the last week has been. I have been unreasonably cold for some reason, mostly my hands. Today I browsed the free downloads on amazon dot com. I found some good stuff... surprisingly they had a Merzbow track. I also got a track from the new Josh Rouse album and a Mogwai track. Those are the highlights. I am listening to an Apples in Stereo track now, and it just sounds to me like Of Montreal.
Yesterday was my fourth day at the pool. I have been swimming an hour a day, and I really like it. Even with my job I will be able to swim in the mornings when I get off, if I am up for it. Last night I wanted to record a little bit, so I went to the folder of songs to work on and found some song Trevor recorded on the piano back in August/September '09 and added drums to it. I still have a lot of work to do on the drum parts, but I got most of what I was thinking captured.
That is all I have to say right now. I need to get on my stationary bike now before my room heats up.

"It's still just master and dog"

Quasi played a great set last night to a small, yet devoted crowd. Even the guy missing a foot was rocking out. All three of them are so good. Janet Weiss has a way of cramming fills in everywhere without ever losing the beat, or dragging the groove down. Sam Coomes epitomizes that loose rock feeling both in the way he stumbles around the stage, and the way he lets his fingers stumble around the guitar, in a perfectly controlled manner. Joanna Bolme holds the bass so well with them, you would swear she had been with them from the beginning. She has blended the sounds of the seventies with today so beautifully. But what is truly remarkable is the three of them together. They are so in the moment and always keep the music on the verge of insanity. They hit the highs several times last night. The moments where everything comes together, and every member of the band is completely in the moment, playing to the moment, and being open to the next moment. Most bands reach this maybe once in a set, if at all. Quasi made it here several times with ease.
After the show I bought a signed vinyl copy of their new album. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, we had a long wait for the show to start, so I did the field work for my new project, I am making a calendar! It will be for the year 2010, and I will be giving it to Trevor as a gift. Why? Because I am a good friend, that's why. I actually already made the whole damn thing, but when I went to print it it crashed my computer. I lost the calendar, and coincidentally lost this blog, well, the original version of it. In that crash I lost something else too, I lost a lot of respect for this computer.
So, the time moved ahead an hour last night. Today is a 23 hour day. Just another reason why I wish I could have taken that class on Friday and begun work this week. It would have been one hour easier to get onto the nocturnal schedule I will need to be on for my job. C'est la vie. I will do it next week anyway. Friday, wake up at 6:00AM, Sunday wake up at 8:00PM. Easy enough, right? Thinking about it now, I might ask for an extra day or two. I want to be on the ball for my first day.
Today I will be finishing up my home exercise, then I will probably go to the pool again. I may ride my bike first. After all of that, I will record/mix more music tonight. I will also probably buy more figs and mangoes.
That is all I have to say. Here is a video from last night edited by Trevor Martin:

Recorded yesterday what some may call music. I came up with a concept that has earned me somewhat confused looks from even my partner in crime. He did get it as we went along though. In fact, Trevor is the one who came up with the idea for the bass timing, and I really love it. After he left, I ate way too many figs, and then went back to the garage to do more mixing... I ended up finding the perfect balance of cross feed and feedback on my delay effect to create a never ending, volume steady delay. This was exciting for me. I also recorded some terrible sounds with the trumpet... of course I drenched it in reverb and did a lot of cutting and pasting to make one long nasty noise. I like to take a sound and copy it, then reverse the audio on the copy and put it right up against the original... then I go through that process many more times to create a never ending piano note, for example. It is cool to remove the attack and extend the tone.
Tonight is the Quasi show. I am very excited to see Janet Weiss again, she is magical. I am also, of course, excited to see Sam Coomes for the first time... You may know him from Heatmiser, a band he was in with Elliott Smith. Sam also appeared on Elliott Smith's album "Figure 8". If you are not familiar with Quasi, I would recommend picking up the album "Hot Shit"... It is tasty, unlike actual hot shit.
As for my immediate future, I have 69 more crunches to do, then I will get on a stationary bike, and probably go to the pool again. Why 69 crunches? Well, I was doing five sets of thirty crunches a day, but found it hard to remember how many sets I had done. I found a way to make each set unique. I increase the number by one each time. So I do a set of 31, my first set, followed by 32, 33, 34 and 35. I have only two left, therefore, 69 crunches. The pool closes early on the weekends, which is completely backwards from the way it should be, so I will have to use my time wisely to achieve my goal of swimming. On that note, goodbye.

I am now just tired... not tired and employed.

I went to the training class only to find that my forms of identification were not adequate. I did tell my future manager what I had, there was just a misunderstanding. Now next week I will have to get myself up again and go to the class. Everything is put on hold for a week. I called the manager of the store and he said to just go next week, so I still have a job, assuming the class goes much better next week. This is a drag though.
I still plan to go see Quasi tomorrow night at the Detroit bar... And you bet I will bring two forms of ID to that! You see, this is the very same venue that accused me of trying to pass off a fake ID. They took my driver's license, bent it all up, and laughed at me. "Really fake bro." They then refused to give it back to me and told me to, "Call the cops." Well then the manager came out with a phone and asked if I wanted the police to be called. I let him know that it was ridiculous that it had to come to that but, if it was the only way to get my license back, yes, call the police. After waiting for well over an hour they gave my license back to me, clearly understanding they were in the wrong. The police never arrived... I imagine they were never even called.

Today's news in the world of David Estrin:

I chose to spend some time outside today, because I will be working nights very soon, and want to soak up a little sun first. I decided to ride my bicycle for awhile, and then stop by the pool for some laps. I did a nice ride, but near the end of it I got pulled over and ticketed for running a red light. I now will have to pay a hefty fine, and take traffic school... all without driving a car. I wonder what the case would be if I had no drivers license, would I still be allowed to take traffic school?
After that exceptionally lame encounter, I made it to the pool and had a pleasant swim. It was unfortunate timing, however, because I was a bit upset by the ticket. I got out, hit the hot tub, and got dressed. I took out my phone to call back my friend who had called while I was pulled over. What's this? I had missed a call earlier from the manager who conducted the interview I had a couple of days ago. I was informed that I would not need my social security card after all. This is great news... because I don't have one. I also got some other news that would fall into the "good" category, The five hour training class tomorrow will be paid. I am clocking my first five hours tomorrow. I will be working 8 hour night shifts (12:00AM - 8:00AM) five days a week. I am not too solid on all the details yet, but there are benefits. I will be making good money, well, good for me. I am not sure what my hourly wage is yet, but even at $8.00 I will be relatively loaded compared to what I am used to. The hardest part of the next few days will be changing my schedule. Tomorrow's class is at 9:00AM... Saturday I am going to see Quasi in Costa Mesa and hopefully stay up all night... Sunday I get myself fully nocturnal... Monday at midnight, report for duty.
Wish me luck.

I was trying to rewrite a song, when suddenly my phone rang.

I've been offered the job.
I need to attend a class on Friday from 9:00 - 2:00 for the job
I need to bring a color copy of two forms of picture ID (No Problem)
I need to bring a copy of my social security card (Big Problem)
Right now my main focus is on finding the lost Social Security card!

I can start Sunday, assuming I get through the class. This means that I need to wake up early on Friday for this class, but work on Sunday from 12:00 AM - 8:00 AM. Holy shit.

I am still really happy. I had completely given up hope.

Update: No social security card. I hope I can still get the job.

Woke up late today
Stayed up late last night
Recorded piano until 3:30 AM
Now I'm thinking the whole song might need to be rerecorded
I also filmed a video... I forgot about that until just now
It is a food preparation video blog
Much of what I did last night may never see the light of day

Another day.

You know, for some reason it felt like yesterday was the last one, but sure enough another day has come. I spent last night eating too much food. A bunch of figs, dates, trail mix, goji berries, mangoes, apples, a big salad... I am one of those few raw vegans that will just pig out. I try not to eat like that, but certain days I just can't help myself. I was pretty bummed out after my interview, and just ate until I nearly exploded. Today I am back to craigslist and thinking about jobs again... I took a couple days off from that, but now I think it would be wise to focus again.
Trevor is supposed to come by today to record. My folks are leaving for a couple days, so I will be able to get some recording done without any noise to worry about... from within the house anyway. I am still exercising every day. A minimum of 150 crunches and a stint on the stationary bicycle daily. I like to also take a walk or bike ride as well, but the last two days I didn't do the extra. Today I will. I stayed up late last night, and didn't get out of bed until noon. I like waking up early, but I want to go see Quasi on the 13th and I also want to get on a later schedule just in case I get this drug store night job I interviewed for. The shift they need to fill is from midnight to eight AM. Not my favorite hours, but it is better than nothing. My hope of getting this job rests on nobody else wanting those hours.
I am really happy to be recording music again, and I have some cool ideas to put forward today, or very soon anyway. My basic idea is to record one shots and loop them, and have more and more of them come together to form a long, minimalist, repetitive thing that expands with time. We'll see how that comes out.

Nothing like actually going to the interview to kill my confidence.

I now feel differently than before.
I will be surprised if I am hired.
He asked several times if I had any questions for him... I didn't.
He didn't really ask me much.

The interview was only about eight minutes long.

Four hours until my interview

I am confident in my ability to get this job.
I am confident that I will get this job.
I am going to get this job.

Blargh Garlph

I had sinus aches all night that seem to be subdued now that I am out of bed. I don't know what is wrong, but my allergies are going a bit bonkers. My interview is tomorrow, so I have to physically and mentally be up to it by the end of today. I'm going to get a haircut, and figure out what I'm going to wear. After all of that nonsense, I will record more music. If the weather holds out I'd like to get out on the bike today. I am sneezing over and over... it is no fun at all. I really hope this all goes away soon so I can really be sharp at my interview. Nobody hires a sneezer.
On a different note, recording went pretty well yesterday. The song I wrote for the session is now recorded all the way through on the piano. That worked surprisingly fast, and then we spent a much longer time writing and recording a little guitar part for another song. That is the way it goes though.
All for now.

So today my good friend Trevor is coming down to my studio to record. We will be resuming work on an album we started recording in August. Yesterday I sat at the piano and came up with a song for us to ponder. Earlier yesterday I took a long bike ride... probably the longest of my life. Clocking in at more than three hours, I made it from my Mission Viejo home, to the coast in Dana Point, to Aliso wilderness park, to Cook's Corner. It was exhausting, and fun.
My father purchased a Vita-Mix today, which is good news for a raw vegan like myself. I have a butternut squash that is just begging to be shredded to bits. I have had an Omega juicer for a good while, and I've been juicing daily again for a month or so. I love that machine. The Vita-Mix is apparently incredible for smoothies, and gives the added benefit of keeping all parts of the fruit or vegetable in the drink, unlike a juicer, which discards pulp. This is very healthful, from what I hear, at getting rid of potential disasters within the body.
Right now there are two pianos being moved into my house. Nothing new really. I hope that they make fun sounds before getting worked on. I remember when I just got home from my trip to Indiana there was a piano here that was incredibly out of tune, so I recorded it. I have yet to use the recordings, but every time I come across them I know that once I start manipulating them it will be a real treasure and quite fun. When is tape music not fun? Well, quasi tape music, since I don't work with tape, nor have I ever. I am true to my time, and I record on a computer. I certainly have less in the way of limitations, and more in the way of ease.
Last, but certainly not least, Yesterday I made a very short video about my new computer game. Check it out: