Upcoming magic

Tonight 1-29 - Deerhoof

Monday 1-31 - Amazing Pehr show

Tuesday 2-1 - Big date

Saturday 2-5 - Nels Cline Singers

Saturday 3-5 - Michael Showalter

I guess I will continue to stay alive for a bit longer.

My life is flashing before my eyes...

But I'm not dying.

I may be weak, but I'm getting stronger

I may be dumb, but I'm getting smarter

I may be shy, but I'm getting braver

I may be quiet, but I'm getting louder

I may be asleep, but I'm dreaming...

And I will wake up.

What if I never said the words "I" or "Happy" again?

I don't think I will ever let myself be happy.

Seemingly I have a lot to be happy about.

Outwardly I may even seem to be happy.

Do you want love?

Yeah, me too.

Music and Food

Today was a good day. I don't mean that the way Ice Cube says it, but in a whiter sort of fashion. For those who are not aware, I have been taking cold showers since I moved to this apartment. Today, that ended. I now have gas, but I had the guy shut the valve on my stove, because I'm raw like that. After the gas man left I took a walk around my neighborhood. I walked through the park and hit up the $.99 store for mangoes and peppers. After this I just hung around my place until Lindsey, one of my very favorite people, came up to pay me a visit. I first showed her my apartment, then we took off to Amoeba, where we both did quite well in the clearance section. I picked up a Cryptacize album and an album by a band called Butter (I based my decision to buy on the track names, and Yuka Honda) each was only $1.99. I also found Deerhoof's Milk Man. Lindsey got The Bird and The Bee, Bjork, PJ Harvey and a couple of Beth Orton albums, all for about $12.00. I also picked up a gift for a friend... I found a great 7" for $.50 that I already own, so therefore I had to buy it for someone else.... That lucky guy doesn't even know how lucky he is yet.

After Amoeba we were hungry. We figured that eating at my place would make the most sense, and even though I had plenty of food already we went to Whole Foods so we could have too much food. It was great. Raw cake and ice cream and chocolate and kombucha... endless fun. After a while it was late and Lindsey had to make the long journey home, but not before sampling some of the tracks from our newly acquired compact discs.

Now I am eating more food and watching Lucy, Daughter of the Devil. I also played my favorite late night game, "Drive the Car" just a little bit ago. Zip through downtown, gawk at the homeless, pull back into my gated parking lot... all very exciting.

I just kept saying it...

"I am moving to Los Angeles."

For months I told the people who would ask... And it never seemed real. It was always a distant surreality , but now I am living in Los Angeles.

Hm.

Heat

On my stationary bicycle in 88 degree weather is a sweaty reality. Today is moving day. I am still incredibly unprepared.

David Estrin, inelegant.

I took apart my computer/studio last night, actually this morning but I've slept since then, so I will call it last night. This stuff was in my garage, and had accumulated a lot of filth. This is probably the best thing that could have happened for my computer.... not the filth, but getting cleaned up. I opened up the tower and vacuumed all of the dust out. That computer will be breathing like a champion.

I still don't know what to write about, so I write about my computer's dust problem. This is boring and useless. I will end by saying I am excited about my new home.

Almost there.

Wow, this is taking forever.

Apartment

Though I have yet to move, I do have an apartment now. Los Angeles. This is going to be really interesting. I still have no idea what I am doing, and have not let what is going on sink in yet. This makes it all easier... It's as if I've had a lobotomy. No big deal. Just turn off the head and do as little as I can with the body.

I find it hard to write anything. Usually when there is a lot going on it would be easier to write, but I don't really understand yet what is happening. Nothing. Goodbye.

Who

Something is following

Following me

Swallowing me

I've waited

I see it

I lose it

Do I even exist?

I woke up, but went back to sleep

Nothing to do, everything paused

Again I awake, in the afternoon

Messages left but nobody's calling

I need some of these people to help me now

I will pay the prices they request

They just need to return my phone calls

Terror

It follows me

Shame reproduces inside of me

Fear keeps me safe

I think I might be dead

A new year

Pressure.

I am not making it happen.