AIDS Wolf

I need this. I will see the band and buy the new album, with my endless resources.

If you are curious.

I love the Smell, and am so glad they are playing there.

If you are smart.

Toilet farts have nice reverb.

And losing and losing and losing my mind. Looseing my mind. Loooseing my mind. Looseeing my mind.

I need a haircut. I need a shave. Other than my work uniform, I look very unemployed.

The Switch

I worked a 10:00pm - 6:00am shift, and tonight it's a 12:00am - 8:00am shift. Those two extra hours of free time really make a huge difference. I slept for ten hours. I was dreaming of all sorts of peculiar things, but one reoccurring theme was taking a pee that would not end and not feeling satisfied, I finally got up and went to the bathroom. It's a little after nine now, and I have much to do. I already went to Trader Joe's to get dog food, for if I had not, my dog would not have been able to eat. While I was out I took a quick trip to the ranch market to get mangoes. In other good news, Trader Joe's has delicious figs again, I learned that early this morning as I was forgetting to buy dog food as a direct result of forgetting to bring my list. Fennesz is playing tomorrow night in Eagle Rock and I had planned to go, requested the night off from work, fixed the fuck-up when they scheduled me anyway, but now I noticed I am again scheduled to work. I have made up my mind that I will work for two reasons: One, I would be so damned tired if I went to the show, and I am going to have to pull that shit on Friday to see AIDS Wolf anyway, Two, I would rather get the hours this week because without working that night I would only have 22.5 hours. So instead of spending $15 on a ticket and paying for gas, I will make some money. I still get AIDS Wolf, XbXrX, and two other bands I've never seen, but should be good. Over AND out.

Posted from work.

It's a grateful dead party at cvs right now.

Edit: So the music was playing but it was cutting in and out, then Truckin' played for the first time ever. It was alright. Do you know the way to San Jose played as well, I had only heard that once before.

Moving to Indiana for a short time...

and then moving to Los Angeles.
This is what I might have to do... because I can, and I think it would be interesting. The only problem is that I need to get a job for a short period of time in Bloomington, IN, where there are tens of thousands of college students. Possible? Maybe. Probable? No. You only live once, right? ...Right? I have not even lived that many times. I need to wake up in about seven hours so I can exercise and then work all night long. I woke up today at 1:30 AM... whoopsie. I had a message from one of my co-workers telling me that my manager asked if I would come in to work to beef up my hours... I just slept right on through that opportunity. I wish they would just schedule me for more hours instead of trying to give me hours at the last minute.

Blah blah blah. My manager seems to like me now... which is abnormal. He generally seems to dislike everyone who works for him. Now that I have gained a tiny shred of respect, I will be leaving. Funny.

This blog lacks video.

There we go.

The good news is the bad news...

I have no peers.

I just wrote that in my notebook less than twenty minutes ago, and already I feel the need to quote it for the world wide web. Often I wish I could be categorized so I could feel the support of an artificial extended family. Perhaps I am just glamorizing my loneliness by giving myself a good reason why it persists. Perpetuating self pity for pity's sake! Have I just now outgrown something?

I have another question, what makes someone a friend? Are you my friend if I say, "This is my friend."? Is reciprocation necessary? <---- Not a sentence, nor is this.

I would like to tear down the wall, even if it is just to rebuild it again. I will let you in now, because I need you in here. You are welcome to step where you like, do not tread lightly if that is not your way of treading. Why should I be so afraid when I have learned that you will soon be gone? At least let me love the person I have made you... and then ruin it... and then let me love, or hate, or feel nothing toward, the person you really are. I am speaking of friends. I am speaking of strangers I will meet.

"Just the comfort of strangers

Always the comfort of strangers

Why, some of those are like best friends

Ones that keep you coming 'round again" -Orton

Q: Do I really mean what I say?

A: I think I do, this time, although I am on an exercise bike and may just be killing time.

Q: Am I afraid?

A: Only of everything.

Q: Why am I writing in question and answer form?

A: A dash of comedy, a dash of tragedy... Plus, I never am interviewed, and wish to be.

Q: Have I taken any photographs lately?

A: Nothing good, but I took a bad photograph of Lindsey talking to my mother tonight. I like to take photographs of people I know interacting with other people I know. This is especially true with my mother. I did charge the battery to a nice camera, so maybe I will do some real shooting, probably not.

Q: Have I ever loved?

A: No. I love my family and friends, but that doesn't count the way you mean it, does it?

A: I don't think so, but I thought you did love some people along the way, you know, romantically... didn't you?

A: No. It was a child named lust... A dirty ugly child. Like me.

Q: Could you describe your life with a punctuation mark?

A: Yes I can, it would be ? I could also describe all life with two punctuation marks, that would look like this ?!

Q: I have clearly become someone other than the person whom I am interviewing, who is actually myself, seeing how I started by asking questions in the first person to myself and am now addressing the answering me as "You", Why do you think that is?

A: I don't know, perhaps you are the inconsistent type. I however shun inconsistency, and strive solely for perfection.

Q: Do you have anything to add? any questions for me?

A: Life is the worst system, except for all the others.

What is to become of us?

A: ?

It may be time to turn the computer off and read more of Bluebeard. I have read this book before, but now I am re-reading it to get all I can from the books I have. I am too cheap to buy more books! I could tell you the exact date when I first started reading this book, and also the exact date that I finished it, because I wrote down these seemingly meaningless numbers in my special pad of paper.

In twelve minutes I will have been on this stationary bicycle for one hour. Imagine doing that every day! Such is the life I lead. More seemingly meaningless numbers for you: 10 minutes at level nine, then I move to level ten, after twenty minutes of level ten (thirty total minutes) I push the little button with the seemingly meaningless symbol on it which looks a lot like this "11" I then spend the remaining thirty minutes on level eleven.

In closing, goodbye.

I'm going to need to live a very long life.

I feel like I epitomize the phrase late bloomer.

I wish I had more time every step of the way.

Feeling a little rushed is good, and bad, but good.

Killing time and killing myself and killing my dreams.

Moving on.

Freaking out.

Staying calm, or just pretending.

Freedom/Depression

On my nights free from work, I always get depressed. I think it has to do with multiple factors. The first factor would be that I do not have anything to distract me... no deadline for getting out of my bed/house/funk. As a result of having no deadline for my daily routine, I do not exercise as early as I normally do, which is the second factor that I can pinpoint. I will feel so incredibly depressed, and then I will do my exercise and find myself feeling much less of that feeling. Things become funny again after I exercise.

I am incredibly lonely. Today I woke up and noticed my parents, whom I have not seen in over a week now, were at the house. I was happy, because I wanted to see them, but before I could even get out of bed, they were gone. Tonight is my one night off this week, but I have to clean up the garage a bit so that my folks can take some filing cabinets out of it. I have been so fucking busy lately, it is intense. I will run down a usual work day now: I wake up, I am tired... Do not want to get out of bed. I drag myself up, my stomach is full from the food I ate before I slept. I try to give myself a bit of time to relax first thing, but it usually now consists of feeding my dog and two cats, of whom I am the sole caregiver now. If I do not feed them, and even sometimes after they have eaten, they meow and whine at me and will be right next to me everywhere I go looking at me, talking to me. I give them a little attention, but not what they really want, I feed them too. I then start putting all of the fruit I need for work into a bag after washing it. I fill up a water bottle, and when I get myself just motivated enough, I get onto my stationary bicycle. I proceed to ride the bike for an hour. After my ride I get into the shower and wash my teeth and body and face, all with Dr. Bronner's magic soap. While still in my towel I go to the kitchen and put the parts of my juicer together. I then grab vegetables from the fridge, wash them very thoroughly and then I proceed to juice them. I drink the juice and wash all of the juicer parts immediately after use. After juicing I take my vitamins, and I then go get my clothes on. After all of that, on a good day, I will have about five minutes to play the piano. I then work all night at CVS... which is not as easy as it looks. Mostly people assume that the night shift is "Mellow" or "Chill"... but they are dumb. Yes, most people are dumb, I will say that. After work I drive home and get out of those work clothes and into pajamas. I make a big salad and that takes me over an hour to make and eat. I then generally watch a movie, eat more food... eat too much food. I eat Figs, Dates, Mangoes, Nuts, Raisins etc....

There it is.