I just wrote that in my notebook less than twenty minutes ago, and already I feel the need to quote it for the world wide web. Often I wish I could be categorized so I could feel the support of an artificial extended family. Perhaps I am just glamorizing my loneliness by giving myself a good reason why it persists. Perpetuating self pity for pity's sake! Have I just now outgrown something?
I have another question, what makes someone a friend? Are you my friend if I say, "This is my friend."? Is reciprocation necessary? <---- Not a sentence, nor is this.
I would like to tear down the wall, even if it is just to rebuild it again. I will let you in now, because I need you in here. You are welcome to step where you like, do not tread lightly if that is not your way of treading. Why should I be so afraid when I have learned that you will soon be gone? At least let me love the person I have made you... and then ruin it... and then let me love, or hate, or feel nothing toward, the person you really are. I am speaking of friends. I am speaking of strangers I will meet.
"Just the comfort of strangers
Always the comfort of strangers
Why, some of those are like best friends
Ones that keep you coming 'round again" -Orton
Q: Do I really mean what I say?
A: I think I do, this time, although I am on an exercise bike and may just be killing time.
Q: Am I afraid?
A: Only of everything.
Q: Why am I writing in question and answer form?
A: A dash of comedy, a dash of tragedy... Plus, I never am interviewed, and wish to be.
Q: Have I taken any photographs lately?
A: Nothing good, but I took a bad photograph of Lindsey talking to my mother tonight. I like to take photographs of people I know interacting with other people I know. This is especially true with my mother. I did charge the battery to a nice camera, so maybe I will do some real shooting, probably not.
Q: Have I ever loved?
A: No. I love my family and friends, but that doesn't count the way you mean it, does it?
A: I don't think so, but I thought you did love some people along the way, you know, romantically... didn't you?
A: No. It was a child named lust... A dirty ugly child. Like me.
Q: Could you describe your life with a punctuation mark?
A: Yes I can, it would be ? I could also describe all life with two punctuation marks, that would look like this ?!
Q: I have clearly become someone other than the person whom I am interviewing, who is actually myself, seeing how I started by asking questions in the first person to myself and am now addressing the answering me as "You", Why do you think that is?
A: I don't know, perhaps you are the inconsistent type. I however shun inconsistency, and strive solely for perfection.
Q: Do you have anything to add? any questions for me?
A: Life is the worst system, except for all the others.
What is to become of us?
A: ?
It may be time to turn the computer off and read more of Bluebeard. I have read this book before, but now I am re-reading it to get all I can from the books I have. I am too cheap to buy more books! I could tell you the exact date when I first started reading this book, and also the exact date that I finished it, because I wrote down these seemingly meaningless numbers in my special pad of paper.
In twelve minutes I will have been on this stationary bicycle for one hour. Imagine doing that every day! Such is the life I lead. More seemingly meaningless numbers for you: 10 minutes at level nine, then I move to level ten, after twenty minutes of level ten (thirty total minutes) I push the little button with the seemingly meaningless symbol on it which looks a lot like this "11" I then spend the remaining thirty minutes on level eleven.
In closing, goodbye.
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines."
ReplyDelete-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."
-Oscar Wilde
Just a thought, since I too used to strive for consistency/perfection, only to have the Emerson quotation thrown in my face more than once. Too much Vonnegut in lonely times can be a dangerous friend, because despite his humor, he was a very dark man. Oddly enough, I too got into Vonnegut during a particularly lonely time, and couldn't put his books down.